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Articles & Quotes | Talk Well Counselling

Me.. Myself…& I

There was once a man called George Herbert Mead he was born in 1863 and was an American philosopher, Psychologist and Sociologist. Mead developed a theory around the concept of self, which explains that one’s identity emerges out of external social interactions and internal feelings of oneself. Self is not evident at birth but emerges over time through language, play, and games. The self consists of ‘me’ and ‘I’. The theory of the social self is based on the argument that the self is a social thing. There are three activities through which the self is developed:
1. Language 2. Play 3. Game Language allows the person to take on the “role of the other” allowing them to respond to his/her own gestures. Play allows the individual to “take on the role of others” (pretend) or (role playing) allowing them to express the expectations of significant others. Game allows the individual to comprehend the rules of the game.
So basically the “self” has two sides the “Me” represents the expectations & attitudes of others and is often known as the organized set of attitudes of others assumed by the individual. The “I” is the response to the “Me” or the person’s individuality

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The ‘I’ in ‘Me’

Knowing, Accepting & Loving your Authentic Self You create your own reality so think positively and take control of your life☺️ Hi there, my name is Kam and as a counsellor and social worker I would like to share with you my passion and curiosity regarding the human condition. I have a keen interest in understanding all aspects about the self. I enjoy working with people and find it fascinating to learn from others and see reflected back their personal journey through therapy. What is evident is that our identities are essentially who we are but what makes up our individuality? What ingredients if you like, go into making each and every one of us so different? Suffice to say we are not only defined by our names, ages and roles we play in life. We are a sum of many parts which makes each and every one of us distinctively unique. Its important that we think, reflect and appreciate the diversity of life within ourselves and others. To really focus on the ‘I’ inside each of us that is often unheard, forgotten or ignored we need to start listening to our gut instincts. We are made up of so

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Future Dreams

What do you dream of for your future? Retiring early? Travelling the world? Downsizing your home and moving to the countryside or near the sea to live in a cute bungalow? Have you stopped to consider how your life might look in the future or are you just trudging through each day just getting by? It’s useful to visualise yourself in the future and see what you want it to look like as you then train your mind, plans, thoughts and actions to meet that desired need. Almost like training your brain to think and act in order to achieve that goal. So what are you waiting for? Create your own vision board either via scrapbooking images and words about what you want to happen in your life or via a digital slideshow of images and words to reinforce your wishes to the universe and to yourself🤗  

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When Things Go Wrong…

  When things go wrong it helps to have a calm and friendly chat with someone you trust, the idea is that you share your worries and feel heard and understood. Friends and family are helpful to a point however they are often too close to give an objective view and may have their own agendas. In therapy you are the main focus and its your views, issues and beliefs that are paramount. If you need an objective, view from an unbiased, non- judgmental professional without an agenda who will listen, understand, empathise and offer strategies to cope better- then counselling my be the solution. Don’t hesitate to make contact and book a session if you are struggling with anything in life.  

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Letter to self…by anonymous client

Dear Me, I know that the past few years have been a struggle and I understand how heartbroken you feel sometimes from your destructive thoughts that keep flowing… I know you’ve been living for years in a battle between the most important person in the world, which is you. You have prayed to wake up in a different body, sought therapy and harmed yourself with all the body wraps, the painful fat freezing treatments and all those fat burning pills that made you physically sick. I know you’re sick and tired of spending all that money on those fat burning products, body shapers and loose clothes. I am here today to ease your pain and tell you that I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to feel like disappearing because you’re so fed up with yourself, to cry from your own emotional abuse and to isolate yourself from the world because spending time with one person (YOU) alone seems suffocating and unbearable, which makes you so frustrated and angry. The agony is too much and I’m here to tell you the solution is so, very simple; Love yourself and be confident. Now before you flush this letter down the

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Bite Sized Therapy Youtube Channel Launched

Hi everybody I launched my youtube channel offering bite sized therapy videos please visit like and subscribe if you enjoy the content😃 https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8MPq7ZelTi5uTjE5HiZJMw

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New Beginnings

Out with the old and in with the new is how the saying goes, but how can this be applied to oneself? A new year means new beginnings and fresh starts, but also a time for reflection on past events. Consider the following points: What went well over the past year? Any memorable moments? What times could we do with forgetting? Do we have regrets? Have we lost loved ones? Ended or begun new relationships? Changed careers/lost or started a new job? There is so much to reflect on outside of ourselves that when it comes to thinking about what we actually want and how we have developed as people over the past year its often overlooked. Other things take precedence and we carry on living, working, existing day to day. How many of us stop to take time and reflect on the present. To appreciate what we do have and share our gratitude. Can we learn from past mistakes and let go of disappointments and regret? Do we dare to liberate ourselves from the inner critic that is ever present within us just waiting for us to lose hope and belittle us some more. What we need is compassion and

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Suicide

This is a topic that many people shy away from and feel uncomfortable talking about for various reasons. For some it’s a painful reminder of something someone they love may have committed. For others it’s a topic that leaves little space for discussion as often there are more questions than answers for those left behind. The truth of the matter is that we just don’t understand it and don’t know what to say when trying to console people affected by this. That does not mean that we should avoid, ignore or desist from trying to learn, understand and educate ourselves about this serious matter. Taking one’s own life is not an easy thing to do, in fact the survival instinct built into each one of us often makes it the most difficult thing to act on. In order to better understand this it is important to dispel some common myths, such as “The people who talk about it don’t do it. “ Research has shown that in a high proportion of cases, people did things in the weeks prior to their death to show others how distressed or in despair they felt. So if you know anybody expressing such feelings or talking

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Consciousness

What comes to mind when you hear the word Consciousness? Does it conjure up images of the brain, or a mystical spiritual energy? It can mean different things to different people, so for the purposes of this article I will offer the dictionary definition: “Consciousness is the state of being aware of and responsive to one’s surroundings.” This means that we use our sensory perception to know and recognise things. Our sight, smell, and touch all work together when we are consciously aware. In effect we all have two parts to ourselves the conscious and the unconscious self. So if being conscious means being aware, the opposite would be true when describing the word ‘unconscious’, not being aware.  To highlight this point lets explore a learning theory. Basically when we study or learn new skills we go through the following 4 stages of learning: 1. unconscious incompetence 2. conscious incompetence  3. conscious competence  4. unconscious competence So an example we can use to illustrate the above in simple terms could be as follows. A learner driver has Unconscious Incompetence when taking their first lesson as they do not know how to drive having never driven before. After a few lessons

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Diseases of the Heart

Diseases can manifest at two levels within our heart. The more commonly attributed diseases cause a malfunction within the physical muscle and ailments often require medical intervention. I am not a doctor. The diseases that I am concerned with cause malfunction at a non-tangible level; within our spiritual heart. I believe that all humans have a natural inclination to do good, and it’s when we go against this nature that we cause ourselves emotional and psychological distress. How we do this is by lying cheating, stealing, backbiting and causing upset to others. It hurts our soul and can create sickness in the spiritual heart. This can cause us to feel uneasy and not at peace with ourselves. Often such feelings can overwhelm us and develop into psychological conditions including stress, anxiety and depression. The ‘7 deadly sins’. Everybody can relate to these and each one can cause physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual distress to individuals engaging in them. Lets examine each one in relation to the self: 1 Gluttony-excess in eating and drinking/overconsumption What is your vice? Chocolate? Cigarettes? Drugs? Food? Alcohol? We all have something in this we can relate to, examine what your vice of choice is and

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The Secrets of Body Language

Did you know that upon first meeting a person you form a judgment of them within the first 30 seconds? This means that first impressions are important, particularly for job interview situations. However when discussing body language it is important to recognise the person as a whole and take into account the environment and situation. There are also various types of signs such as: The voice (tone, rhythm, volume) Mimicry (Everything that occurs on the face) The pose (posture) The gestures (body language) The distance (remoteness between people) Social Signs (clothing and cosmetics) The Skin (physical contact) Automatic signs (Physiological reactions) According to research only 7% of human communication is verbal. 93% of what we communicate with others is nonverbal. How amazing is that? Mastering the art of reading body langauge can be powerfully insightful and increase your awareness of self and others in an exponential way. Every moment you spend with others can be valuable whether thats in a business meeting, socially with freinds and family or around strangers in social functions. Every moment you spend with others can be enriching. Before I go any further though I must explain that body lagnauge can often be complex and easily

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Personal Power

If I was to ask you here and now- “Do you feel you have power in your life?” How would you answer? What do you think of when the term ‘power’ is used? Is it a positive or negative feeling for you? What experiences of power have influenced your life? Do you see power as a destructive abusive force, or a strong and positive force for good? Our personal experiences of power will often dictate how we feel about it. For instance a child growing up in an environment of domestic abuse may associate power as a negative term as the abuser was powerful over others. In contrast a child who grew up in a family wherein choice was offered and they were consulted during decision making for family affairs may feel power is a positive force. It nurtured their ability to feel valued, important and ‘powerful’ having their voice heard by the adults around them. Power means different things to different people and can be interpreted in various ways. For the purposes of this article I am exploring the concept of ‘Personal Power.’ What is personal power? The definition can vary from person to person but the basic premise

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Mindfulness

What is this new mindfulness malarkey I hear you ask, it seems to be everywhere at the moment. To help grasp what it’s all about I will attempt to uncover the veil of mystery that surrounds mindfulness. It is a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, whilst calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. It can be used as a therapeutic technique. Oringinally a Bhuddist concept it has been embraced by all as a potential source of calm and quiet that can be learned, taught and practiced. From reading around the subject it appears Mindfulness is about remembering oneself – being in the moment and appreciating ourselves, beauty and nature around us. Being aware and conscious or ‘mindful’ of the environment we live in, being mindful of ourselves of nature and of one another. It’s a pretty simple technique when you take away all of the jargon it is effectively about being in the here and now feeling present and trying to focus on oneself. To be still and pause life’s distractions and meditate on what it is to be you. Tuning in to your inner self to become aware of your

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Conquering The Assassin Within

Have you ever wondered why sometimes you just cant get that critical voice out of your head. Y’know the one that tells you how useless you are and how you will never get anywhere in life? Somebody once described it as having their own inner assassin that would murder any positive thoughts he had and replace them with doubt and fear of failure. This would prevent him from trying new things and forming new relationships. So who is this assassin, and what are they repeatedly whispering to you? To understand this concept and break it down we need to identify what messages were passed on to us through significant people in our lives growing up like parents, teachers, siblings etc. Were they positive or negative? What impact did they have on us as children that have left a lasting imprint in our hearts and minds? Also we need to examine what we think of ourselves, do we like who we are, or are there aspects of ourselves that we dislike and if so how does this manifest itself. It feels as if I have been writing a series of questions without providing any answers to help understand the issue. So

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25 Tips for Couples in Relationships

1. Build a friendship with your spouse, re-connect. Try to remember what drew you both together in the first place. 2. Conflict resolution- try to communicate without blaming, or harsh words. Listen to each others perspectives be open and accept your own part in the dispute. 3. Try to avoid fights by nipping things in the bud as they arise not let them fester and grow bigger.  4. What to do after a fight- what is your pattern? Do you sulk, give each other the cold shoulder? Apologise and make up, or carry on as if nothing happened after some time apart? Explore what works for your relationship try talking about it when not in argument during a time of calm to decide what techniques work best. 5. Try to connect with your spouse emotionally and physically talk about happy memories and focus on hopes for the future. Show affection in gestures, through small gifts and kind words to one another and commit to fulfilling each others sexually. Share your likes and dislikes- get to know each other properly. 6. Remember men are more visually stimulated and women are more emotionally driven- this is not to say the opposite isn’t

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Stop..Think..Reflect..Act

Do you ever feel like life is just passing you by, that you are living day to day going through the same routine not really thinking about the past, present or future? Just getting through the daily drudge of life not having time for self reflection or self care, just existing and paying bills. Going to work or looking after the family- whatever it is that you do on a day-to-day basis life just goes on and you are not fully present in mind, body and spirit because things are so hectic. You just race from one task to another trying to fit it all in until life becomes overwhelmingly busy and difficult to keep up with. Until one day you realise how out of touch you are with yourself and other people. Who are you anyway? What is it that you wanted to achieve in life? Have you ever stopped to think about the quality of your life? Your work/home life balance, your achievements, your ambitions and aspirations. How many people really stop, think and reflect on things like that on a day-to-day basis? My challenge to you is that you press pause on your life for at least

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Diary of Mr ‘Anonymous’ in Therapy

Below is the diary of a man we shall refer to as ‘Mr Anonymous’ as he has offered to share with you lovely people his journey through therapy so far, he has given me express permission and signed consent to share this information in the hope that it inspires and encourages others to reach out for therapy if they need it. Mr Anonymous wanted me to share excerpts from his own therapy diary which details a refreshingly honest and open account of the process of change he went through. Issues I chose to address How I was before Starting Therapy Mid -Therapy Learning Moving Forwards Talk too much Felt the need to talk a lot- to be noticed, to be the joker, friendly, be seen as likeable and accepted. It was the only way to get noticed as a child by my busy father. Discussed painful challenge from peers about talking too much, airspace, felt my mother haunting me. She always said I talked too much. Brought hurt to surface and I went silent withdrew. Reflected on my childhood and history of relating to others. Worked hard to achieve a balance. Embraced the challenge and balance of speaking, listening and

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I Hate My Body…

Poor body image is fast becoming an issue across the globe especially with the younger generation. In this modern era of technology, focus on body image and selfies it’s no wonder we can get hung up on how we look or how we are perceived by others. The need to belong, dress well, look good and keep up with fashion trends puts many people under pressure financially, socially, emotionally and psychologically. Social media, peer pressure and society at large has showcased what is classed as ‘desirable’ and ‘undesirable’ the concern is how unrealistic some of these expectations are and how difficult it can be to achieve the ‘perfect look’. With airbrushed images in magazines and painfully thin catwalk models photographed to model make up, clothing and perfume it’s easy to become obsessed with how we look in comparison. From researching the topic I have discovered that increasingly men are just as affected by poor body image and the impact is widespread with young men and teenagers feeling inadequate, unattractive and becoming obsessed with going to the gym, following specific diets to boost muscle tone and some resorting to steroid use. All in the name of looking good and feeling socially

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Anger Management

Anger management is a term used to describe the skills you need to recognise that you, or someone else, is becoming angry and take appropriate action to deal with the situation in a positive way. Anger management does not mean internalising or suppressing anger. In today’s society there are so many ways we can lose our temper, a forgotten anniversary, a job loss, road rage, pressures at work, home and in relationships are all things that press that stress button and can turn into anger when things feel out of control. What is important to note is that anger like any other emotion is not bad in and of itself. Anger has its place in the emotional spectrum of life and serves its purpose well when used effectively and in a healthy way. For instance being angry about past childhood abuse and expressing this by picking up the phone and venting to a trusted freind could release repressed anger. Or going to the gym after an argument and exerting yourself physically as a way of releasing negative emotions is a constructive way of managing anger. There are instances when anger is needed for instance in a survival situation, if a

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Couples Counselling

Couple counselling can help by looking at relationship patterns, dynamics and conflicts. By working together, potential areas of difficulties can be identified, explored and addressed to help couples move forward and resolve issues arising that may be causing stress and upset. Couple counselling can be carried out with couples in any kind of relationship: hetero-sexual; homosexual, bi-sexual; transgender; married or co-habiting; separating or divorcing; love marriages and arranged marriages. Essentially it is about finding common ground between two people who care about each other and re-negotiating ways of being with one another to promote a harmonious union. Therapy can support couples to improve how they communicate and offers a safe space for both to feel heard and understood. Issues That Bring People to Couple Counselling Poor communication and problem-solving Repetitive arguments Sexual issues Porn addiction Jealousy An affair Ex partners causing issues Feelings of distance in the relationship Feelings of anger or resentment Managing a separation or divorce Broken trust Differences in parenting style Loss of attraction to partner Poor body image, low self esteem impacting on the relationship Gambling Issues Substance abuse issues Financial stress Loss of respect Domestic or Financial abuse Past childhood sexual abuse Lack of intimacy and other supportive and positive aspects

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Identity Loss

How do you ‘lose’ your identity? Losing your identity can be a long process that occurs over a period of months or years, but can also happen suddenly following a major life event or trauma. Loss of identity can follow various life changes personally and professionally in the workplace. Loss of a job or profession, loss of a significant loved one, such as a child, parent, or spouse. Loss leaves gaps, empty spaces. Such lossess can trigger increased levels of anxiety, low self-worth, depression, isolation and feeling alone, all of which impact on our ability to maintain relationships with other people. Identity can also be lost when merging into a relationship that becomes imbalanced. A healthy relationship offers both partners the opportunity to connect with one another without cutting off the outside world. It promotes reciprocation in respecting the other and maintaining an individual sense of self. We may lose some identity, even in the most healthy of relationships, as we try to adjust our behaviours, and accommodate our partners, to create a dynamic that works for the relationship. There may be some changes in our levels of independence as we lean on our partners or have certain expectations, a

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Bereavement & Loss

Bereavement and loss are often used interchangeably; however it is important to note how each term can mean different things to different people. For example, someone going through a trauma like losing a loved one has suffered a loss and is bereaved. Whereas someone who has lost a job is not bereaved but has suffered a loss. Two very different scenarios. There is a massive difference in the impact and the pain felt in each case however they would both be classed as a loss. It is in understanding the significance and impact of the type of loss a person has suffered that we can only begin to try to understand what it means, so for example losing a spouse or child have different connotations but huge emotional impact for loved ones left behind. For some losing a job could be felt acutely, the key here is to try not to draw comparisons, but to look at things from the other’s perspective. To understand what it means for the individual to have lost a loved one, their job, or a pet, because it would impact each person differently in each unique circumstance. We are all different and in this difference

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The ‘I’ in Me

How often do any of us really sit and reflect on our selves and our lives? “We have no time to- life is so busy” this is often the resounding answer. So what does that mean-The I in me? It refers to the core of ourselves, the innermost hidden parts that we may not even be aware of or that we guard well. There is so much more to us than meets the eye. (Image by Stuart Miles at Freedigitalphotos.net) We are not only defined just by our names, ages and roles we play in life. We are defined by so much more which makes each and every one of us unique. This blog has been designed to make you think, reflect and appreciate the diversity of life within yourselves and others. To really focus on the I inside each of us that is often unheard, forgotten or ignored. We are made up of so many different aspects, and have various selves- our physical, emotional, psychological, intellectual, social, cultural, religious and sexual selves. This is not an exhaustive list there are many other factors that make us unique- our age, gender, class, economic status etc. Our personal experiences in life shape

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Feeling Well

We often hear how important maintaining a sense of well being is, but what does that actually mean in practice? What factors contribute to feeling well? (image by  David Castillo Dominici at freedigitalphotos.net) From researching this topic I have found what I believe to be important factors, in promoting good emotional health and well being. Good family relationships A manageable financial situation A positive work environment Community engagement and a good social network of friends, family and work colleagues. Health – this covers good physical health via eating well, exercising and sleeping enough. Emotional and psychological health via expressing emotions freely amongst trusted freinds and family or via a therapist. Self awareness, self acceptance and valuing oneself. Spiritual health for those who like to feel connected with universal energies, be that via God / organised religion or a belief in nature and appreciation for humanity at its best. Personal freedom – Feeling strong, empowered, liberated and in control of ones life. Personal values –knowing oneself, identifying whats important and striving to achieve it. Resilience and Patience to bear with lifes challenges Continue to stimulate the brain intellectually by learning new things to enhance and enrich your life. Realistically how many of

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Forced Marriage

  Image courtesy of Clare Bloomfield at FreeDigitalPhotos.net I DO…. NOT! Forced Vs Arranged Marriage.. It seems everybody has an opinion on this topic, and we have heard some horrendous stories of harrowing escapes, broken family ties and unhappy couples living a lie, but in reality what happens and what are the differences between ‘arranged’ and ‘forced’ marriages today? Forced Marriage is not a new phenomenon but a social issue that has existed for many years across cultures. In more recent times we have seen a rise in reported cases hence the legislation and police powers attached to help support those in such situations. Under new laws, parents who force their children to marry in England and Wales could face jail. The practice is already illegal in Scotland. Currently victims are effectively using the Forced Marriage Protection Order by asking authorities to confiscate their passports. Media focus has been on recently reported cases in which most of the youngsters involved have been of South East Asian origin, and from muslim families. An estimated 8,000 young women a year are forced into marriages. There is a widespread misunderstanding of the differences between ‘arranged’ and ‘forced marriages’. In arranged marriages the couple meet, and can

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Anxiety

Anxiety is something we all face at some point in our lives. its how we manage it and what support we have that can make the difference between coping and feeling overwhelmed…

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Me Map

The Me Map gives an overview of different aspects of your life and how in a holisitic way you can see whats important to you by dissecting each area and reflecting on your progress, where you are at now, where you want to be, and how you can get there

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